i am my Beloved's

i was desperate.

my life had no meaning
and i was being ground into nothing
by the harsh consequences
of my own selfish choices.
darkness surrounded me,
invaded me,
as i learned the unspoken rule
by cruel experience:
use
and be used.

then one day He came into my life.
oh, i did not love Him.
His light and His purity made me so ashamed,
so aware of the filth that covered me.
and when, newly aware, i tried to purify myself,
i only smeared and worsened the mess.

i resented Him.
who did He think He was,
coming into my life
and increasing my misery?

but He loved me.
i do not know why,
but He loved me
with a pure and unselfish love.
i don't know when i realized
that He wanted to help me,
but time passed
before i was willing to humble myself
and receive His help.

i was desperate,
and finally i wanted a solution.

He took me and washed me.
deeply embedded sin stains vanished.
the memory of them lingered awhile,
then faded as well.

He fed me at His banqueting table,
and His love beautified my life.
His love beautified me.

i loved attending His love feasts
with others whom He had rescued.
He walked with me throughout the day
and watched over me through the night.

i still love the feasts,
and the kinship with the rescued,
but i am in a crisis.

He has enemies,
fierce and violent.
they are armed with flattery and slander and false accusations,
and since they can do nothing to Him,
they attack those whom He loves.

oh, mercy!
mercy!

i love Him so!
but the attacks bring back the darkness of the past!
they bring the stench of the filth of the past!
His enemies consider me as cattle to be butchered!
they are wolves,
sometimes wolves in sheep's clothing,
looking so innocent
but having a voracious appetite,
ripping,
ripping me apart!

peace comes.
nothing can separate me from His love.
nothing.
i will go to the feasts,
even in the presence of enemies.
He will prepare the table before me.
and i will reside with Him
in the home He is preparing for me
forever.