new beginning

my heart was breaking
with grief.

a habit
which i had considered innocent
fell under the light
of my Father's gaze.
i looked again.
was that hideous thing
the habit i had considered so innocent?
i understood His loving disapproval.
how could i have tolerated such?

waves of guilt--rightly earned--
washed over my soul.

contrition dominated my heart.

how can i be delivered?
how can i be free?

i turn to my Father,
and realize anew,
nothing i can do will make Him love me less;
nothing i can do will make Him love me more.
He will never,
never despise a broken and contrite heart.

waves of His love
wash over my soul,
cleansing me of guilt and sin.

i am free.

i am free!

and though i may stumble and fall,
i will get to my feet
with His help,
and start again
and again
and again

until i can run,
unburdened and free.

suicide

these thoughts used to plague me.
but i never gave in to them.
i didn't want God's first question
when i entered His presence to be,
"why?"

so i persevered
in frailty
one more minute,
one more day.

recently i began to think again about what God would think--
because a friend is struggling with those temptations now.

is it just a mental illness. . .
like a flu or a cold?

or is it murder--self-murder,
and an act of violence,
an act of faithlessness,
of absolute selfishness?

well, there was King Saul,
who because of his stubbornness and disobedience
was rejected by God,
and afflicted with an evil spirit from God.

he killed himself.

and there was Judas Iscariot,
who betrayed the Lord Jesus Christ
for thirty pieces of dirty silver.

he also killed himself.

but then there are others who were tempted,
but responded with faith.

after Job lost everything,
his wife's bitter recommendation was
to curse God
and die.
his response?
"you speak as one of the foolish women speak.
what? shall we receive good at the hand of God,
and shall we not also receive the evil?"
but in his anguish,
he still did not sin.
he persevered,
knowing that God knew the way he was taking,
and when he was tried,
he would come forth as gold.

and God blessed him.

then there was one other person who was tempted
to kill Himself.
He was not mentally ill,
but rather was the most mentally healthy person
who ever walked the face of the earth.
He was the Creator,
and yet,
in the hour of temptation,
Satan had the audacity to urge Him
to cast Himself off of the pinnacle of the temple.
"if You are the Son of God. . .
God will not allow you to be hurt."

such a lie
from the father of lies.

and His response?
"it is written,
do not tempt the Lord your God."